Ever Get That Feeling . . .
October 30, 2008
. . . that something needs to change?
I’ve been feeling that way for the past month, maybe two. Last fall my family and I moved from the Chicago suburbs to a small town outside Kansas City where my husband took a job as a head pastor. Our kids were changing schools, and with my youngest in school for the first time, I was looking to go back to work to make ends meet. Between getting a new home set up, kids ready for the school year, job hunting, and getting settled in a new church as the pastor’s wife, God made it pretty clear that I needed to set my writing aside.
Ironically this was all four weeks before I attended the 2007 ACFW conference — to which I’d been given a scholarship to attend.
After the conference, my agent followed up on the contacts I’d made with a couple editors, but God closed the doors on those opportunities. That was okay — I was busy with work and home and a Bible study I was leading, not to mention my editing business. There was just no time to write.
But lately I’ve found myself longing for time to sit down with my characters and follow them around. I have two books started, one that finaled in the ‘07 ACFW Genesis contest, and I want so much to see how those stories turn out. Now with a newborn that we’re committed to me staying home with — and a busy editing business — there’s still no time to write.
But the desire is back.
There are other things in my life that God’s been showing me need to change. And He’s right. I know that. But for whatever reason part of me keeps bucking it. It’s probably laziness, being set in my own comfortable, if muddy, rut.
I want to change, but I want to do it for the right reasons. I suspect that the things God wants me to change might be tied in to this desire to get back to writing. I don’t want any altruistic motives that if I toe the line with God, He’ll come through on the writing contracts. I want to change because I know God wants me to change.
So, hm. Here I am still, feeling like the wind might be changing. And that it’s probably a good thing. But I can’t seem to find the willpower to do it. Maybe it’s lack of sleep, maybe it’s the flu I’m fighting, or the fatigue I had those last 2 months of pregnancy.
Or maybe those are all excuses.
Whatever the reason, something needs to change. And it needs to start with me. Me and God.
Ever get that feeling?